The Gifts of Grief
“Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything.”
— C. S. Lewis
This article is not intended to be sad or to darken your spirit. Quite to the contrary. Our intention is to shine a light on a subject often obscured by fear of prophesying if, it is spoken aloud or thought about with any degree of inevitability.
In my family, death was not really discussed until someone died. Once someone died, we tended to grieve from a place of tempered anger or seemingly lack of understanding as to why they had died, irrespective of the circumstances. All of this was further exacerbated by the fact that much of our family was still in Cuba and, for many years, and many family members’ passing’s, we were unable to be physically present for their funerals, because we were no longer in Cuba and could not travel back.
In the last four years since I was diagnosed with, at the time, Stage IV breast cancer, the imminent inevitability and reality of mortality, and the need to better understand it, have become far more clear to me. In just that short time, I’ve personally known a few fellow cancer patients, who were similarly situated in their own cancer journeys, and yet have since passed from this life. For some people, understandably so, the death of a loved one causes a boil of emotions, often charged with anger. For me, it has been a slow, but steady realization, in trying to cope with the grieving process, while still understanding and respecting the cycle of life and death.
Recently, my phenomenal Mother passed away. I’ve often and forever more will describe her as the most important woman in my life, because she truly was, and always will be. She was always a fierce protector and extraordinarily loving. When I was first diagnosed, I waited a while to let her know because I did not want for the news of that diagnosis to affect her own health. In fact, one of the fears I had when I began the journey, was that I would pass before my Mother. I did not want for her to go through that depth of pain. Now, with her passing, and our family going through the grieving process, while extremely difficult for all the reasons that come with losing a wonderful Mother, has allowed me to better grasp the inevitability of my own mortality.
In grief, there are a few things I’ve recently come to realize, that I have found both helpful and healing. As always, we share with you, with the intention that it too will be helpful and healing for you.
1 | Grief is highly personalized
I think each person’s grieving process is quite possibly as individual as their fingerprints. And while we all have fingerprints, and from a certain distance, the pattern looks the same, it’s the depth and intricacies of the individual curves that delineates who we are. Such is the case with the winding and curving path of grief. When my Mother passed, I chose a grieving process that flowed through me, and I was unapologetic about my actions. My intention was not to hurt anyone else, but rather to find a way to work through the pain I was feeling, and to honor the love I shared with my Mother.
If a moment struck me to cry, I cried, no matter where I was in that moment.
If I needed to not speak with anyone for days, I did just that.
If I needed to speak aloud to my Mother during the day or night, I did.
If I needed to sit and stare out the window and think about good times and tough times, I did.
Your grieving process is yours and yours alone. No “one” process is the same as the other. Set your intention for goodness and allow yourself the space and time to listen and feel for what you need to get through the grief – including the amount of time you need.
2 | Planning your funeral is not prophesying imminent death
Anyone who has gone through a funeral planning process for someone who did not have detailed, pre-set plans, can relate to how incredibly overwhelming it can be. One of my dearest friends wisely said to me, “the meeting with the funeral director, to plan a loved one’s funeral, is one of the toughest in your life”. She was, as she often is, exactly right. Going through the process of planning my Mother’s funeral with my Sister, helped me see what I would want, including where I’d like my final resting place to be and any other pieces that are meaningful to me. Importantly, I’d like to have the peace of mind in knowing that my loved ones will have a better sense of what I wanted and did not want, so that they don’t have to take on all of the decisions by themselves. Planning for your own funeral is part of living. If you don’t have your plans made yet, it is something to truly consider and act upon. Your stated wishes will not only give your loved ones peace, but it will also give them a path for how you wish to be remembered, and that path is healing.
3 | Grasping your mortality can be freeing
I recently saw footage from an interview, done many years ago, with the great poet, Maya Angelou. In the interview, she is much younger and speaks about not fearing death because every day she brought everything to the present moment in which she found herself. It was amazing and enlightening. None of us knows when our time will come, but if we live focused on the present and truly being present in what we are doing and feeling, we know we are indeed living fully. I think it better equips us for when our time comes to leave this life. Whether we live during a timeframe in which we know our time is coming, as can sometimes happen during severe illness, or whether we truly never know, the key component is to actually live. For me, initially receiving a diagnosis that is almost always terminal, made me realize that it did not serve me well to fear death. Truth be told, I was far more afraid of chemo. Rather than fear death, it serves me better to be grateful in life, so that when death comes, which it inevitably will, I know I’ve lived to the fullest of my knowledge, skills, abilities, and desires.
Key Takeaways
And so, as always, I leave you with one key take away, if you remember nothing else from this article, know this: there are gifts in grief that help us truly live our best life. Remember to live in this moment, to the fullest of your knowledge, skills, abilities and desires, this moment is yours, fully!
With love,
Amelia O.
